Oakbrook Evangelical Free Church

Introduction
Runaway congregational conflict can have huge detrimental effects on church life and ministry. Churches are surprisingly unprepared to deal with in-house disputes unrealistically expecting that agreement will always mark relationships.

“‘I thought the church was different from other organizations –especially with regard to conflict,’ a confused and depressed lawyer said to me in the midst of a painful and protracted battle between his church’s vestry [board] and the school board which ran their parish day school” (Leas, 1979).

I. The Family Name
We are family
“brothers” 6 times in Chapter 5
Notice its importance in 5:6 “I was very angry”
Underlying family issues threatened to take the wheels off the mission

God is our Father:
Matthew 5:16 “In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”

Matthew 5:45 “that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” NIV

Matthew 5:48 “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” NIV

We are His children
John 1:12 “Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—” NIV

1 John 3:1-2 “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. “Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.” NIV

1 John 5:2 “This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands.” NIV

We are brothers and sisters in God’s “forever family”.
Acts 12:17 “Peter motioned with his hand for them to be quiet and described how the Lord had brought him out of prison. “Tell James and the brothers about this,” he said, and then he left for another place.” NIV

Romans 1:13 “I do not want you to be unaware, brothers, that I planned many times to come to you (but have been prevented from doing so until now) in order that I might have a harvest among you, just as I have had among the other Gentiles.” NIV

Romans 7:1 “Do you not know, brothers—for I am speaking to men who know the law—that the law has authority over a man only as long as he lives?” NIV

Romans 8:12 “Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it.” NIV

Romans 8:29 “For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.” NIV

Why Is This So Important?
Nehemiah 5:15-16 ” out of reverence for God I did not act like that. “Instead, I devoted myself to the work on this wall. All my men were assembled there for the work; we did not acquire any land.” NIV

For God’s honor
For His kingdom work to get done.

Lazarus got sick and Jesus waited to come help until he died.

Martha said in essence, “Why weren’t you here. Why didn’t you

come at our beckon call? Jesus said, “This is for God’s glory.”

Paul was unjustly arrested, spent two years talking to various governors and hanging out with his guards before he was shipped off to Rome.
Paul said, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Paul said, That I may know Christ and the fellowship of his

1 Corinthians 9:22-27 “I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings. “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. “Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. “Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. “No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.” NIV

It is so easy to lose perspective and to forget why we are here.

In October of 2005, an elderly man passed away while sitting in his parked car in the city of Melbourne, Australia. He remained there several days before his body was found and identified by city officials. However, after the man’s death, and two days before the discovery of his body, a police officer gave him a parking ticket and attached it to the windshield of his car.

The head of the Maroondah City Council later apologized for the incident, saying: “It must be just so sad for the family, and we extend our sincere sympathies to them.” He added, “It is simply a case of the parking officer not noticing.”

$.02—The amount spent on overseas missions for every dollar donated to a congregation, based on a survey of 28 Protestant denominations.

$.10—Amount spent on overseas missions for every $ given in 1920.

Story: A PARABLE OF A LIGHTHOUSE
On a dangerous seacoast where shipwrecks often occur there was once a crude little life-saving station. The building was just a hut, and there was only one boat, but the few devoted members kept a constant watch over the sea, and with no thought for themselves, they went out day or night tirelessly searching for the lost.

Many lives were saved by this wonderful little station, so that it became famous. Some of those who were saved, and various others in the surrounding areas, wanted to become associated with the station and give of their time and money and effort for the support of its work. New boats were bought and new crews were trained. The little life-saving station grew.

Some of the new members of the life-saving station were unhappy that the building was so crude and so poorly equipped. They felt that a more comfortable place should be provided as the first refuge of those saved from the sea.

They replaced the emergency cots with beds and put better furniture in an enlarged building. Now the life-saving station became a popular gathering place for its members, and they re-decorated it beautifully and furnished it as a sort of club. Less of the members were now interested in going to sea on life-saving missions, so they hired life boat crews to do this work.

The mission of life-saving was still given lip-service but most were too busy or lacked the necessary commitment to take part in the life-saving activities personally.

About this time a large ship was wrecked off the coast, and the hired crews brought in boat loads of cold, wet and half-drowned people. They were dirty and sick, and some of them had black skin, and spoke a strange language, and the beautiful new club was considerably messed up. So the property committee immediately had a shower house built outside the club where victims of shipwreck could be cleaned up before coming inside.

At the next meeting, there was a split in the club membership. Most of the members wanted to stop the club’s life-saving activities as being unpleasant and a hindrance to the normal pattern of the club. But some members insisted that life-saving was their primary purpose and pointed out that they were still called a life-saving station. But they were finally voted down and told that if they wanted to save the life of all various kinds of people who were shipwrecked in those waters, they could begin their own life-saving station down the coast. They did.

II. The Family Shame
It’s not right; It’s not just; It’s unfair.
There were many complaints against the officials

Probably a class struggle or leadership / people conflict.
It only took 52 days to build the wall. This situation had been there and not dealt with for some time. It was “underground” behind the scenes, known and talked about behind closed doors, when 2 or 3 friends got together. But it was not dealt with openly!

People cannot suppress anger without letting it out sometime.

One counselor put it this way, “Everybody can act nicer than they feel – but only a little nicer and only for a little while.”

These were justified complaints! Usury – charging interest to use money. 12%

People have misperceptions of motives and goals. Distortions.
Need to remove one layer of misperception and misunderstanding at a time. Need to get to the actual differences and reconcile them through good advice and direction.

Ephesians 4:30-32 “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” NIV

III. Solving Family Feud’s

A. It takes wise leadership
This leader emerged from an environment of faith.
This leader emerged from an environment of family.
This leader emerged from an environment of courage.
This leader emerged from an environment of purpose.

“It just kills me when people are this ugly in any community, especially the church. What happened in the nominating committee last night was bald-faced character assassination. Nobody stopped it until I finally stepped in. Even then, they just sat there. Today Joan is still at it, spreading her poisonous lies about Sheila all over the congregation. What hurts so is how the people of this congregation play dead and let her keep on. I can’t believe it. At times like this, it makes me sick to be the pastor of this church” (Halverstadt, 1991).

Someone needs to step up to the plated and take initiative!

Conflict: the clash of incompatible or perceived viewpoints, interest and goals between two people or groups. In this case there is injustice.

In conflict we so often only list to ourselves. Over and again we confirm that we are right and the other person or party is wrong.

And we gather people around us that listen to us and then think like us. Then the group thinks together and talk together and this ‘group think’ confirms that they are right.

In this story there is a truth-telling peacemaker!

Nehemiah was angry. But he pondered the issues in his heart.
James 1:19-20 “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, “for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” NIV

He didn’t go off half cocked! – 30-30 term. Very dangerous gun.
But he also did not let lots of time pass!

B. Steps to a resolution
1. Made Contact – brought them together in a group.
Nehemiah was straightforward. No triangulation!
Open meeting!

Pastors and leaders do so want to protect the family from division
So they try to shield the family from the conflict.
But the church family is smarter than some might think.
Shielding them never works.

2. Open, honest communication
Know how to confront!
The goal is not winning or losing the conflict.

The goal is preserving the unity of the family
Verbal discipline!
Attention grabbing – Emotion producing word picture!
Has to done with his tone of voice!

Criticized their behavior – narrowed the issue! He did not expand the conflict to include more than the offense.

(Daniel Wile – After the Fight – Using Your Disagreements to Build a Stronger Relationship) says this is a level 1 attack. He indicates there are 5 levels of attacks. Nehemiah did not attack

their feelings
their character
their motives

There is a time for blunt confrontation!
Ephesians 4:15 “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” NIV

John 1:14, 16-17 “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth…From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. “For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” NIV

3. Called on them to cooperate with Divine viewpoint

In this passage there is a third party and it is not Nehemiah. It is God. It is His viewpoint and his interests and his goals that bring peace. Nehemiah merely calls on the conflicted parties to acknowledge and conform to divine viewpoint. Doing so will bring peace.

How do we solve problems in the family of God?
It is far too easy to deceive ourselves.
It is far to easy to go with the flow!

That’s why we need divine viewpoint!
The will of God is always counter-cultural
The will of God is so often counter intuitive
The voice of God revealing the will of God is to followed by the family of God.

Nehemiah was “solution oriented”
1. Stop! Don’t take advantage of each other.
2. Give back = make restitution! Reconciliation is the goal.
3. He was committed to follow-up
Take an oath: “oaths taken on marble steps” Bush – promise keeping.
Committed to taking the time to rebuild the relationship!

4. Humble, open hearted response: “We will give back”

Instead of defenses:
~ Denial – failure to perceive or admit
~ Rationalize – another form of denial replacing reality with
something more accepted
~ Projection – pushing the offense back onto the one making the complaint.

What about us? What can we do to heal interpersonal conflicts? – Romans 12:14-21

1. Counteract your natural reaction – Be gracious when others confront you – don’t defend yourself.
2. Put yourself in their shoes!
3. Live in humility – don’t be proud
4. Look for his / her good and support them
5. Do what you can to bring peace and then let go
6 Entrust them to God
7. Do something specific to meet their needs!

There is a big payoff for learning and applying God’s viewpoint. The golden rule does not = whoever has the gold rules. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

John 13:34-35 ““A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”” NIV