Have You Learned to Say “No”?
Series: Nehemiah Part 6 - Running with the GiantsPastor Ed Riddick - Sunday, March 26th, 2006
PowerPoint PDF: Learn to say “No”
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Introduction:
Nehemiah 6
Children and fences
You need some fences to keep problems out.
Physically boundaries mark visible property lines.
Spiritual boundaries are real but harder to see.
Invisible fences.
Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out.
Walls with doors.
We are relational and want to be open to relationships
Closed to evil and danger. Open to giving and receiving grace
and mercy and love
God defines himself as distinct and separate
He sets limits, he confronts sin and allows consequences for behavior
Example: Skin – keeps in the good and keeps out the bad.
Protects our blood and bones from infection.
The most basic boundary is the word “no”.
The Bible warns us about giving in and tells us to be prepared to suffer when we so “no”.
1 Peter 4:1-5 “Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, “so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God. “The time that is past suffices for doing what the Gentiles want to do, living in sensuality, passions, drunkenness, orgies, drinking parties, and lawless idolatry. “With respect to this they are surprised when you do not join them in the same flood of debauchery, and they malign you; “but they will give account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead.” ESV
Your words are the first way you build a wall or set a boundary and take a stand and help people “see” your limits.
Proverbs 22:3 “The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.” ESV
Periods of wall building: early childhood, adolescence, young adults
I. Distraction, Nehemiah 6:1-4
Four times:
Pressure Nehemiah to do what they want.
Pressure him until he gives in.
This pressure is designed to affect us emotionally. To wear us out. We are responsible for how we allow others to affect our feelings.
Our emotions can cause us to give bec/ of the feelings of the moment.
But we are responsible for our choices.
A common problem is to disown our choices and push the responsibility for our choices onto others. “I had to” “You made me” “she made me” “everyone else was”
Nehemiah made his choice over and again to say “no”
Setting his boundaries meant he had to take responsibility for his feelings, choices and behavior.
Not always distracted by evil. But by less than the best.
Our thoughts, desires, time, talents, treasure.
Controllers: don’t respect other’s boundaries
They don’t hear the word “no”
They take your “no” as a “maybe” and a “maybe” as a “yes”
They use words and other methods of control to motivate others to go along with their wills.
They give to tie others to obligation and loyalty.
But the love that God gives is without strings, it is not self-seeking.
Caring for someone else so that they will care back for us is manipulation and designed to control.
Compliants: say “yes” to the bad
We so easily do not see the evil in the world. We just take it as neutral. Evil in the form of less than God’s will, evil in the form of compromising God’s will, evil in the form of controlling, manipulating and exploiting and tempting.
Don’t use their power to say “no”; “I disapgree”, “I will not” “I choose not to” “stop that” “It hurts” “It’s wrong” “That’s bad” I won’t do that” “I don’t like it when you”
Those who are complaints have fuzzy boundaries. They melt into the demands of those they are with. They have a hard time standing alone and often “go along with”
Not only have a hard time refusing evil and even seeing evil. Have a hard time protecting themselves from being pushed around by others.
Why can’t some people say “no”? Vs. 9 “trying to frighten us”
Or, why we say yes when we should say “no”
Fear the lose of love
Fear abandonment and loneliness
Fear of someone’s anger.
Fear of hurting the other person’s feelings.
Fear of being rejected
Fear of letting someone down.
Fear of being seen as bad or losing the ‘good me” feeling
Fear of being alone.
Fear of failure.
Guilt
When we say “yes” to someone we necessarily say “no” to something or someone else! We become a prisoner to the wishes of others.
Quote: “Compliants take on too many responsibilities and set too few boundaries, not by choice, but because they are afraid.”
You have the power…
To agree with the truth
To submit your inability to God.
To search and ask God and others to reveal to you what should be within your boundaries
To turn from evil that is within you
To seek out others you’ve wrong, confess your sin, ask forgiveness and to speak the truth of wrongs done to you.
II. Intimidation, 6:5-9
Aggressive Controllers
Became verbally abusive.
Aggressively attempted to get Nehemiah to change to fit their wishes.
Manipulative Controllers
Less honest than aggressive controllers.
Veiled and hidden motives and agenda.
They try to persuade people out of their boundaries!
They manipulate circumstances to get their way.
As we will see they put others up to things to work with them in their deceitful plans to get the other
They use deceit. They use guilt messages. They speak lies or half truths. They manufacture ideas in their own heads.
They seek to have their own way!
And they don’t like it when others do not comply with their wishes.
Manipulators deny their desire to control others. They brush aside their self-centeredness.
There is always safety in the truth.
Knowing God’s truth. Knowing the truth about yourself.
Knowing the truth gives you clarity of thought and strength to
stick to your guns.
Knowing God’s style of giving without strings attached, w/o being self-centered or self-seeking helps us more easily spot the manipulative personality types that give for self-aggrandizement or promotion with hidden strings attached to get what they want.
Both aggressive and manipulative controllers are bullies who do not accept the boundaries of others. They are relational terrorists. And they do damage to others because they violate their personhood and responsibility to live before God freely following His will. They encourage twisted dependency.
6:9 No matter how hard you try. No matter how hard you work or read or study, or make resolutions and decisions you can’t set boundaries and build or rebuild walls without God.
Notice the spiritual refuge to which Nehemiah ran! God is our spiritual home.
III. Spiritualized Compromise, 6:10-14
Controllers are undisciplined people. They do not recognize the boundaries of others and often do not have boundaries themselves.
And those around them support and enable them to keep on being abusive.
They will use any means and go to any lengths to push people into compliance with their will.
Learn How To Say “No”
1. 6:3 Decide what is truly important to you and stay focused.
Nehemiah made his choice over and again to say “no”
Setting his boundaries meant he had to take responsibility for his feelings, choices and behavior.
And his choice to say “no” was based on what he valued as important.
2. 1 Peter 4:1 Prepare yourself mentally to suffer, because you will and you might as well know that in advance!
3. Neh 6:6, Do your homework – Know the truth!
4. Neh 6:9, Live in dependence on the Lord.
Live life from the center out!
6:9 No matter how hard you try. No matter how hard you work or read or study, or make resolutions and decisions you can’t set boundaries and build or rebuild walls without God.
Zechariah 4:6 “Then he said to me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts.” ESV
5. Neh 6:11 Know and be secure in who you are!
6. Neh 6:12 Set limits on what you will and won’t do.
Respect the limit of others.
We are to limit our exposure to evil, unrepentant people.
We are not being unloving.
Setting limits protects us and helps us take a stand against what is unloving.
Internal and external limits. Evil begins in the heart.
Humor designed to break down internal limits.
7. Depend on the support of others.
Basic need for relationship
Need the input and teaching and encouragement of others
IV. A Time to Celebrate, 6:15-17
These boundaries or walls where no inherited.
They were built by truth telling, responsible, loving people.
No matter how hard you try. No matter how hard you work or read or study, or make resolutions and decisions you can’t set boundaries and build or rebuild walls without God.
V. These Men Never Stop – Group Think, 6:17-19