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God’s Design for Marriage, Part 2

Sunday, January 29, 2012
10:37 am	to	11:24 am

We’ve been addressing the subject of “love, marriage and sex”.
Here we face the challenge of moving from words on a page to actually living out the text within our lives.

Our task is applying the ancient text in our personal context.

Does the description of marriage on the pages of scripture still apply to me today exactly as they are written?

Review:
1.         In the Bible there are three human institutions established by God
a.         The family
b.         The church
c.         The state

The Bible does not address or regulate schools, businesses, museums, hospitals or any number of other important enterprises or institutions important in human culture.

Marriage is different. God established marriage for the welfare and happiness of humankind. Marriage did not evolve as a way to determine property rights. At the end of the Genesis account of creation God brought a woman and a man together to unite them in marriage. The Bible begins with the wedding of Adam and Eve and ends in Revelation with a wedding of Christ and the church.

Marriage is God’s idea.
Marriage was designed by God. That design is crucial.
Marriage was instituted by God,
It is regulated by his commandments,
and it is blessed by our Lord Jesus Christ.

God invented marriage, then we should make every effort to understand and follow his design for it!

When the state gets involved in the issue of marriage they’ve gotten themselves into something invented by God.

2. What is the gift for? For Companionship
Genesis 2:18, 20 “Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him…for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.”

He was not alone.
But he was lonely in paradise. (subtle implication)
The issue of proximity – different comfort zone

Never underestimate the need for companionship.
Buy up every opportunity possible:
~ Tragedy in Lois’ family during 1^st 4 years of marriage
~ Trip to Israel
~ 1^st trip to Ukraine – Took Lois!
You only get so many chances in life to be together!

Companionship
I’m sorry I focused only on the extreme / critical times in life.
“It is not good for man to be alone”

Routine choices to do things together.
Routine transparency to share what you are thinking about.
Taking by faith that if one partner is interested in something there
must be something good about it. You men may never take up
crochet – but you can support her interest. Hunting…football,
cooking, crafting, swimming, running, biking and on and on.

And maybe, as you tag along to support, you might just find that you
too become interested. The “he” and “she” as totally other is as
common as his interest in tent camping and her desire for a hotel.

Life passes so quickly. For you and your family’s sake, throw
everything you have into companionship!

The ebb and flow of the stages of life development! Nonetheless,
work hard at being companions.

One more comment – pay attention to the dangerous trickle of
loneliness.

Communication

The Mystery of Marriage: As Iron Sharpens Iron, Mike Mason Mating Flight – of Red-tailed Hawks – reach sexual maturity at two years of age, monogamous, mating with the same individual for many years. In general, the Red-tailed Hawk will only take a new mate when its original mate dies. The same nesting territory may be defended by the pair for years. During courtship, the male and female fly in wide circles (20-40 mph) while uttering shrill cries similar to a high-flying aerial dance. The male performs aerial displays, diving steeply at 120 mpg, and then climbing again. After repeating this display several times, he sometimes grasps her talons briefly with his own. Courtship flights can last 10 minutes or more. Copulation often follows courtship flight sequences, although copulation frequently occurs in the absence of courtship flights. NATURAL BUT AWKWARD DANCE

In other ways coming into marriage is awkward and turns out to be the quiet beginning of your own world war 3. The Notebook! Noah says to Allie, “Well, that’s what we do. We fight. You tell me when I’m being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you’re being a pain in the ass. Which you are 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. They have like a two second rebound rate and you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. And we’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that, because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.

Helper = ’ezer is almost always used in the Bible to describe God himself. Used to describe military help, such as reinforcements, without which a battle would be lost. To “help” someone means is to make up what is lacking in him with your strength. Woman was made to be a “strong helper.” Keller, Meaning of Marriage (p. 165).

His opposite “helper fit for him” = “like opposite him”
The idea is complementarity and not identity.

Each is incomplete without the other. Together they make a unified whole. Two pieces of a puzzle that fit together. They were designed to make a harmonious duet

God “built” Eve and brought her to Adam
How would Adam choose to respond to God’s gift? “This at last!”

The man and woman were specially made for one another
They were both created in the image of God
They were equals called to be co-regents in God’s creation

Today we come to God’s Design, Part 2
Genesis 2:24 (ESV) “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

First, in Genesis 2:24 itself the story of creation is suspended. These are not the words of Adam; they are the inspired words of the writer describing God’s design for marriage.

Second, Genesis 2:24 does not completely represent Adam’s pre-Fall situation. There were no “fathers” or “mothers” from whom Adam could leave. Clearly this verse does not provide an original-creation pattern in all aspects of its wording because Adam had no parents.

Matt 19:4-5 “He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? (see also Mk 10:7)

Again, God’s design is repeated by the Apostle Paul

Ephesians 5:31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

I.          Leave
Marriage is for adults (who can stand on their own two feet)
עָזַב = 1. abandon, reject, desert, i.e., to leave a former association neglect one in order to give attention to another, Isa 6:12; 10:14; 17:2, 9; 54:6; 60:15; 62:4; Jer 4:29; Zep 2:4+); Lev 26:43; Ne 13:11; Job 18:4; Ps 37:25; Isa 7:16; 18:6; 27:10; 62:12; Eze 36:4+); abandoned, be deserted(Isa 32:14; Jer 49:25+);
2.         leave, i.e., to depart from an area with linear motion, implying a continuing state or condition (Jos 8:17)
3.         leave behind, abandon, i.e., cause an object to stay in a place while the participant leaves (Ge 39:6);
4.        release, i.e., free one from a prison or condition of servitude (2Ch 28:14) freed (Dt 32:36; 1Ki 14:10; 21:21;

Penguins: group pic / holding hands pic
What do you call a group of penquins?
There is no official name for a group of penguins, however the delegates at the IVth International Penguin Conference in 2000 agreed that the appropriate term was a “waddle” of penguins. When arriving or departing the colony penguins often form a close group or raft, so at sea a group of penguins is often called a “raft”.

21 years old
Newly married. My bride and I had known each other for 2 years.
VW Fast-back loaded to the hilt
Pulling a trailor loaded the same way.

I don’t know what I knew or didn’t know. But, for sure, I was blissfully unaware of the challenges of standing on my own in marriage.

No one can make it in this life without the help and encouragement of others around them. But marriage is for those who are ready and able to leave one home to start another.

Marriage involves “intentionality” – making choices and standing by them.

The intentionality here seems to be placed in the man’s lap!
I believe it applies to both!

Let him / them go! Release them. Do not rescue them.
Work hard together to make it.
Doesn’t mean you can’t call home…you just can’t go home!

But in some sense God’s design for marriage involves a man standing on his own two feet financially and emotionally, launching away from his parents and taking responsibility to establish his own home!

II. Stick Like Glue

דָּבַק 1. cling to, i.e., fasten oneself to an object (Ru 1:14; 2Sa 23:10; Job 29:10); stick to (Eze 3:26; 29:4b); joined fast, be stuck together (Job 38:38; 41:9) be made to cleave, stick to (Ps 22:16);

2. stay close, formally, cling, i.e., be in close proximity to another object (Ru 2:8);

3. catch up = overtake, engage, make linear motion to come to the same place as another person or party, for either favorable or hostile intent (Ge 31:23; Jdg 18:22; 20:42, 45; 1Sa 14:22; 31:2; 2Sa 1:6; 1Ch 10:2)

4. be united, joined in a close continuing relationship (Ge 2:24); be associated in a close association as a belt fastening objects together (Jer 13:11); sickness (Dt 28:21)

Marriage is formed through a series of deliberate choices to “bond” or “attach” yourself to another person.

Progressive movement away from “playing the field” and narrowing your focus to one person.

Conscious, deliberate, persistent effort to increasingly bond w/ her!

Bonding refers to the mysterious, emotional attachment or sense of connection that links a man and woman together for life and makes them intensely valuable to one another. It is the specialness that sets those two lovers apart from every other person on the face of the earth. It is God’s gift of companionship to those who have experienced it.

Securely-attached couples enjoy a long, stable and fulfilling relationship where trust, friendship, and intimate physical contact connect the couple.

1. Formation: The 12 steps of bonding!

2. Developing / Maintaining: Bonding activities! Still talking. Still touching. Still connecting! Marriage is for “bonding (attached + stuck like glue!)
Attached!
Whatever contributes to bonding is good.
Whatever threatens the bond is not good

The “5 to 1” ratio!
Investing in the “love bank”

3. Disrupted: “Affairs”
Strife … Marital “drift”… Loneliness…Awayness
Busyness – paying no attention to companionship n “bonding”

Types of affairs:
Emotional: attachment with no sexual contact (Most emotional affairs eventually become sexual)

Sexual: purely sexual with no emotional connection

Combined emotional & sexual

Patterns of affairs:
1. Unplanned (Surprised) affair

Not sought out, unexpected (taken by surprise…?)

2. Philandering: Steady change of partners-preventing commitment, means to substantiate masculinity. No control.

Philandering men fear control by women
Philanders view philandering as normal &/or acceptable
Father wound often underlies the process/pattern/dynamics…

Various Types (not one type) Charming, friendly, heroic, hostile, mascupaths,borderline, impersonal

Philanderers are more often men
Female philanderers – Looking for Mr. Wonderful, looking for love.
Attitudes toward sex shaped by past activity/history

3, Romantic affairs
Has to do with bringing pleasure, comfort, security, and/or love
into person’s life

Romantic often not in love, in love with being in love or being loved Meet someone perfect and wonderful

Issues may involved an inability to live “real” life (like at a hotel)

May not be indicative of a bad marriage

Romance often does not last…we are not in Oz any more!
Lasts 30 days!

4. Marital arrangement affair
Married with affairs on the side
Have affair so as to not divorce
May hope for divorce, but unlikely to happen
Triangle created & maintained—permanent

Shopping marriage; Psychiatric (helping); Import love; Import sex
Import sanity; Revenge affair; Dramatic, affair used to keep love alive; Jealous creation affair; Flirtation; Sex therapist; Swingers

4. Repairing, healing, renewing!
The 9 steps of rebuilding trust!
The importance of transparency, understanding, humility

III. Marriage is designed for intimacy of body, soul and spirit!

A. Marriage was to be monogamous
It is monogamous: a man + his wife / two shall become one.
Life-long

B. Marriage is to be heterosexual
It is heterosexual: man + woman

It was for intimacy!
In other words, marriage is for sex! It is in the relationship between a committed husband and wife that children are to be born. It takes both to have children and it takes both to raise them.

Marriage is for sexual intimacy! “The two shall become one”
Face to face = unique in the created order
Not just for a short period of time during the year call “heat” or “rut”.
But year round, year after year.

For pleasure, skin to skin time for comport, stress relief and security in physical knowledge and acceptance. “Adam knew his wife”

Intimacy with someone who is “totally other” is hard work and it does profoundly change us! We are self-centered and selfish; we are deeply broken by sin. We need changing! Salvation +

Marriage is for procreation!
Genesis 1:27–28 (ESV) “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.”

“God gives the human race the mandate to procreate, which is a reflection of his own boundless life-giving creativity. But, obviously, this wonderful gift of creating new human life is something we can only carry out together. Neither sex has all the characteristics necessary—only in complementary union can we do it. Keller (p. 165).

God created Adam and Eve, male and female and He gave Eve to Adam.

Thus, sex is inherently part of God’s creation.

Sex is not merely an activity that people do but gender is who we are!
It cannot be engaged in casually or recreationally! That is a myth.
Sex incorporates every cell in your body. It defines you. It governs your patterns of communication. It defines how you see the world. And it goes into the very core of your soul.

Marriage brings you and I into closer proximity to another human being than any other relationship. Not to mention that “male and female” is a reference to two different cultures in and of themselves which are “totally other”.

Wow! How is this possible?
As Jesus said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

God’s Design for Marriage, Part 1

Sunday, January 22, 2012
10:30 am	to	11:25 am

Genesis 1:26–28 (ESV) “Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.”

Genesis 2:18, 20 “Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him…for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.”

Genesis 2:21–25 (ESV) “So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. “

Matthew 19:4–6 (ESV) “He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Introduction:
In the Bible there are three human institutions established by God
a.         The family
b.         The church
c.         The state

The Bible does not address or regulate schools, businesses, museums, hospitals or any number of other important enterprises or institutions important in human culture.

Marriage is God’s idea.
Marriage was designed by God. That design is crucial.
Marriage was instituted by God,
It is regulated by his commandments,
and it is blessed by our Lord Jesus Christ.

God invented marriage, then we should make every effort to understand and follow his design for it!

When the state gets involved in the issue of marriage they’ve gotten themselves into something invented by God.

Marriage Marriage is the original and most important institution for sustaining the health, education, and welfare of all. Where marriage erodes, social pathologies rise. The impulse to redefine or redesign marriage is a symptom, rather than the cause, of the erosion of the marriage culture. It reflects a loss of understanding of the meaning of marriage as embodied in our civil law as well as our religious traditions. Yet it is critical that the impulse and these forces be resisted, for yielding to them means abandoning the possibility of restoring a sound understanding of marriage and the hope of rebuilding a healthy lives and marriages and families.
Marriage is not so much a “social construction,” but is rather an objective reality designed and created by God — it is the covenantal union of husband and wife— it is the duty of the law to recognize, honor, and protect. When you and I get married we’ve gotten ourselves into something invented by God and it will require radical commitment and every effort of every fiber of your body, soul and spirit.

TS: This raises the question of “who says so?” The Bible!

2. The Bible as God’s sacred instruction manual.
Some people do not acknowledge God or the Bible.
You may not share the view that the Bible is God’s authoritative revelation to humankind. You may appreciate the Bible but may not trust it in what it teaches about love, marriage, and sex. You may think that what the Bible has to say about these subjects are ancient, regressive or backward and don’t apply to today.

Whatever view you are coming from let me encourage you to come along with me on this journey.

The honest truth is that it is difficult to get an objective view of LSM because of our own experiences and because of the culture we live it.

The Bible is the only objective, transcultural owner’s manual we have available. Its teachings have been tested by millions of people living in many different cultures over thousands of years. And it has stood the test.

American culture and its stifling dogma is less than 50 years old. The tenants of the false religion of secularism have become the mixed drink from which the highest levels of our educational, governmental, military and religious establishment have drank. It is destroying people, marriages and families. Eventually it will end up in the dumpster of filed social experimentation.

Sometimes people are pessimistic about marriage
As comedian Chris Rock has asked, “Do you want to be single and lonely or married and bored?” …frustrated, upset, stretched, stressed

Today more than half of all people live together before getting married. In 1960, virtually no one did.

One quarter of all unmarried women between the ages of twenty-five and thirty-nine are currently living with a partner,

Over the last forty years, the “leading marriage indicators”—empirical descriptions of marriage health and satisfaction in the United States—have been in steady decline.
1. The divorce rate in the 1960s was about 23. During the divorce revolution of the 1970’s it was nearly double that. Today the rate of divorce is nearly the same as it was in the 1960s. But…

2. In 1970, 89 percent of all births were to married parents, but today only 60 percent are.
“Today, the rise of cohabiting households with children is the largest unrecognized threat to the quality and stability of children’s family lives. In fact, because of the growing prevalence of cohabitation, which has risen fourteen-fold since 1970, today’s children are much more likely to spend time in a cohabiting household than they are to see their parents divorce.” Why Marriage Matters, 30 Conclusions from the Social Sciences http://www.americanvalues.org/wmm/

The National Marriage Project, founded in 1997 at Rutgers University, is a nonpartisan, nonsectarian, and interdisciplinary initiative now located at the University of Virginia. The Project’s mission is to provide research and analysis on the health of marriage in America, to analyze the social and cultural forces shaping contemporary marriage, and to identify strategies to increase marital quality and stability.

3 Most tellingly, over 72 percent of American adults were married in 1960, but only 50 percent were in 2008.

Time to get back to the Book
Genesis 2:24 (ESV) “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

We were made for marriage and marriage was made for us. What went wrong? Genesis 3 – Falling away from God has broken even aspect of the human experience. It is not that the desire for romance is too idealistic. It is that this idealism absolutely must take into account the impact of sin. The reality of the fall must not be allowed to create a heart of pessimism for marriage was created by the God of hope.
We are examining Love, Marriage and Oreo Cookies
Our focus today is a part 1 of marriage as God designed it to be.
~ God said it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone.

I. The Gift
What Are We Going to Do With The Gift!
The totally “other”
Genesis 1:27 (ESV) “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

“Love shouldn’t be this hard; it should come naturally.” In response, I always say something like, “Why believe that? Would someone who wants to play professional baseball say, ‘It shouldn’t be so hard to hit a fastball?’ The understandable retort is, “But this is not baseball or literature. This is love. Love should just come naturally if two people are compatible, if they are truly soul mates.” Keller, Timothy, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment (p. 29).

Genesis 2:21–25 (ESV) “So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and
hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. “

Adam lived in paradise and yet God says his situation is “not good”.
So God creates someone to be his perfect complement.

God’s Gracious Gift “And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man”

The quest for compatibility is impossible.
The issue men is “will you accept God’s gift?”

Prov 31:29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”

Love “Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation.”

C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves (New York: Harcourt, 1960), 123.
“There is a profound longing we feel for marriage. We hear it in Adam’s “At last!” cry at the sight of Eve, the indelible sense that locked within marriage is some inexpressible treasure.”

II. His opposite And His Equal
Genesis 1:26 (ESV) “Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

Genesis 2:18, 20 “Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him…for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.”

Male and female! – not incidental but the very core of who we are
If we do not embrace our gender, we cannot understand ourselves. Every cell in our bodies is marked either XX or XY. A simple DNA test will confirm if the one tested is a male or female.

A Journal of the American Medical Association study analyzed reams of research on fetal DNA tests — 57 studies involving about 6,500 pregnancies — and found that carefully conducted tests could determine sex with accuracy of 95 percent at 7 weeks to 99 percent at 20 weeks.

Intro to Pink Brain, Blue Brain:
FINALLY GETTING to know the new neighbors. They moved in a week ago, but you’ve had no chance to chat, which is surely why you didn’t notice sooner that the woman is pregnant. Very pregnant, by the looks of it. “How wonderful!” you croon over your common fence. “Do you know if you’re having a boy or girl?” Why is this always the first question we ask when learning about a new baby? The answer is simple: because sex is a big deal. Not just the act of it, but the fact of it. Of all the characteristics a child brings into the world, being male or female still has the greatest impact—on future relationships, personality, skills, career, hobbies, health, and even the kind of parent the child is likely to become. Eliot, Lise Pink Brain, Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow Into Troublesome Gaps – p.1

“Sex differences in the brain are sexy. You can hardly pick up your favorite newsweekly without coming across some reference to this research. It gives an easy explanation for the bewildering Mars/Venus gaps we find so amusing: why men can’t multitask and women can’t read maps; why men love The Three Stooges and women have their chick flicks.” P.10

His equal
Together they reflect the image of God.
Together they are to rule and subdue; be fruitful and multiply

St. Louis to Ft. Clatsop MAP
Lewis and Clark Expidition – May 14, 1804 – 1806 PORTRAIT
Military Personnel
Lewis, Meriwether. Captain
Clark, William. officially second lieutenant (co-captain 2000)
4 Sergeants …. 23 privates

Civilian Members of the Expeditionary Party
4 men, one of which was
York: Wm Clark’s slave – big man excellent hunter
1 woman – Sacagawea (also Sacajawea, Sakakawea). PIC Shoshone woman who was born around 1788. She was about 12 when Hidatsa raiders captured her at the Three Forks and took her to their North Dakota villages. She was the only female member of the expedition, just 15 years old. Charbonneau took her as his second wife around 1804. She probably died in 1812 at Fort Manuel near today’s Mobridge, South Dakota. At one point in their expedition they encountered a hunting party…
Can you imagine the pioneers making it with the women?

Seaman – Lewis’ Newfoundland Dog

“Whether you identify yourself as an egalitarian, a feminist, a traditionalist, a complementarian, or any other variety on the interpretive spectrum, the differences between men and women will become an unavoidable issue in every marriage. Failure to come to terms with it is like tiptoeing around the proverbial elephant in the living room.” Keller. The Meaning of Marriage (p. 162).

When people come into a marriage relationship they may not have thought or talked about roles and their relationship. Those who are marriage likely came into marriage unprepared for the new immediacy of “how are we going to related in this relationship as male and female?” But make no mistake about it the subject of gender roles in marriage is a contentious and controversial one and it is one with which marriage partners struggle.

In other ways coming into marriage is awkward and turns out to be the quiet beginning of your own world war 3. The Notebook! Noah says to Allie, “Well, that’s what we do. We fight. You tell me when I’m being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you’re being a pain in the ass. Which you are 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. They have like a two second rebound rate and you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. And we’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that, because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.

His opposite “helper fit for him” = “like opposite him”
The idea is complementarity and not identity.

Each is incomplete without the other. Together they make a unified whole. Two pieces of a puzzle that fit together. They were designed to make a harmonious duet.

They were to work together, have sex together and have children together. Yes sadly, they also disobeyed God together.

Now, this oppositeness is the elephant in every home, on every playground, in every work environment. It is the ageless “battle of the sexes”. But God did not design things that way.

The difficulty of being together.
Their needs are different
Their preferences are different
They are different biologically.

Their communication styles are different – documented
You Just Don’t Understand – Tannen
That’s Not What I Meant – Tannen

Story – The round-about chaos in Scotland – 1^st night, 40 annive

Biblical Command:
1 Peter 3:7, 8–12 (ESV) “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

III. What is the gift for? For Companionship
Genesis 2:18, 20 “Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him…for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.”

He was not alone.
But he was lonely in paradise. (subtle implication)
The issue of proximity – different comfort zone

IV. Who is the gift for?
Genesis 2:24 (ESV) “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

A. Marriage is for adults (who can stand on their own two feet)

B. It is for adults who are married
It is heterosexual: man + woman
It is monogamousl: one man + one woman
Life-long

C. It is for “bonding (attached + stuck like glue!)
Attached!
Whatever contributes to bonding is generally good.
Whatever threatens bonding is generally not good.

Conscious, deliberate, persistent effort to bond w/ her!

Men, maybe you feel like Jesus’ desciples…

Matthew 19:10–11 (ESV) “The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given.”

D. It was for intimacy!
Marriage is for procreation!
Genesis 1:27–28 (ESV) “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth.”

God created Adam and Eve, male and female and He gave Eve to Adam.

Thus, sex is inherently part of God’s creation.
Sex is not merely an activity that people do but gender is who we are!
It cannot be engaged in casually or recreationally! That is a myth.
Sex incorporates every cell in your body. It defines you. It governs your patterns of communication. It defines how you see the world. And it goes into the very core of your soul.

In other words, marriage is for sex! It is in the relationship between a committed husband and wife that children are to be born. It takes both to have children and it takes both to raise them.

For pleasure, skin to skin time for comport, stress relief and security in physical knowledge and acceptance. “Adam knew his wife”

Intimacy with someone who is “totally other” is hard work and it does profoundly change us! We are self-centered and selfish; we are deeply broken by sin. We need changing! Salvation +

But marriage brings you and I into closer proximity to another human being than any other relationship. Not to mention that “male and female” is a reference to two different cultures in and of themselves which are “totally other”.

Wow! How is this possible?
As Jesus said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

If Not Now, When? (Will you take the initiative to lead)

Sunday, January 8, 2012
12:30 am	to	11:10 am

Introduction:
This series is about marriage, love and sex. I want to treat the topics with clarity and dignity. These subjects are sacred.

Rather than over use the word “sex” I will use a substitute. Everyone likes Oreo cookies. So, at times I may refer to sex by using the metaphor. Lift up a vision for what love, sex and marriage is meant to be.

Context: Ruth 4
The times in which they lived – Contemporary of Samson
Judges 21:25 (NASB95) “In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes.”

Spotty spiritual leadership
Economic ups and downs
Militarily vulnerable
Moral compromise and decay (that’s why Boas tells Ruth to stay near)
Out of 89 verses in Ruth 23 of them contain the word “God” and all but two of these come out of the mouth of the characters in the story.

Central Truth: ”The Ruth narrative provides a gratifying reminder that even in the darkest times God is at work to bring about good for his people.

Lamentations 3:17–25 (ESV) “my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, “My endurance has perished; so has my hope from the LORD.” Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.”

Romans 8:28 (NASB95) “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”

I. Boaz’s Leadership
Both Ruth and Boaz are leaders.
Theme in Ruth 4: Male Leadership
What does that mean? Ruth and Boaz took initiative!
Boaz was clearly a man whose spirituality saturated his everyday life
He was a caring and generous man.
He did not take advantage of Ruth for the pleasure of a 1 night stand
He took her under his protection.
He protected her from scandal
He did what was right – he honored another man’s rights.
And, he was a man of his word – he followed through – Ruth 4

Like Boas in his day who took leadership in a world full of chaos to too, this is a day that cries out for both men and women become leaders. IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

I want to be clear that leadership is gender neutral. God calls both men and women to take personal responsibility for their own relationship with God, their own spirituality and taking personal spiritual / moral initiative in our day.

Esther 4:14–16 (NASB95) “For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place and you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?” Then Esther told them to reply to Mordecai, “Go, assemble all the Jews who are found in Susa, and fast for me; do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maidens also will fast in the same way. And thus I will go in to the king, which is not according to the law; and if I perish, I perish.”
IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

In his book, Axiom, Bill Hybels talks about a conference he attended years ago. He went to a session led by Joni Eareckson Tada. During the Q n A Joni was asked how she kept going despite her physical challenges (Joni is a quadriplegic who has been in a wheelchair since a diving accident when she was a teenager). Joni said, “This is the only time in history when I get to fight for God. This is the only part of my eternal story when I am actually in the battle. Once I die, I’ll be in celebration mode in a glorified body in a whole different set of circumstances. But this is my limited window of opportunity, and I’m going to fight the good fight for all I’m worth.”

Hybels adds to this, “If I’m waiting for some other life to be courageous, then I’m kidding myself. Why don’t you do what God is asking you to do? This is the only life I get, my one and only shot at following God the way I feel him prompting me to do so. This isn’t the pre-game warm-up. This isn’t the 4^th game of the pre-season. It’s the game and the clock is ticking. What life are you waiting for? If not now, when?” IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

Are you and I going to take spiritual initiative or not?
Are you and I going to choose God as Ruth did?
Are you and I going to choose spiritual values as Ruth and Boaz did?

It is true that there are leaders and there are followers.
But it is also true that God calls each one of us to become the leader God meant for us to be.

Oswald Chambers in My Utmost for His Highest defines worship saying, “Worship is giving God the best that He has given you. Be careful what you do with the best you have. Whenever you get a blessing from God, give it back to Him as a love gift.”

Does this definition stand up to examination?
Genesis – Abraham and Isaac – wow! Now it makes sense.
Able’s offering was pleasing to God
Cain’s was not.
Why? Because Able gave back to God his best!

II. Boaz’s Reasons – Why did Boaz marry Ruth?
~ Notice this is a public event. 4:1-2, 4, 9
~ Notice that rights also bring responsibility! 4:5
~ Go ahead, you do it! 4:7 “right of redemption”
Very serious refusal: Deut 25:5-10 Widow could spit in his face!
To redeem the property would involve the goel in Ruth’s affairs and
would therefore have to redeem Ruth as well.
~ But notice why Boaz takes Ruth to be his wife: 4:10!
Boaz wanted to honor Mahlon by perpetuating his name in Israel. The focus here is not on the nearer kinsman who put himself in a bad light but on Boaz for his loyal love!

The Israelites regarded him as the son of both men. Naturally he was Boaz’s son, but legally he was Boaz and Mahlon’s son as well as Elimelech’s descendant.

This story gets at the heart of one central issues of our day.
We have a flawed understanding of the purpose of marriage itself.

Boaz
Public Institution for
Common Good

The Closer Relative
Private Arrangement for
Personal Satisfaction

Marriage based on self-denialMarriage is seen as the space for the creation of character and community.
The purpose of marriage is to create a framework for lifelong devotion and love between a husband and a wife. It was a solemn bond, designed to help each party subordinate individual desires and interests in favor of the relationship, to be a sacrament of God’s love and serve the common good. Marriage was understood to be given by God to benefit the entirety of humanity. Marriage created character by bringing male and female into a binding partnership. Lifelong marriage was seen as creating the only kind of social stability in which children could grow and thrive.

Marriage is viewed as flawed people coming together to create a space of stability, love and consolation.

A “haven in a heartless world” from Tim Lasch’s book, A Haven in a Heartless World: The Family Besieged, 1977

Marriage based on self-fulfillment
Marriage is seen as a contract between two parties for mutual individual growth and satisfaction. Married persons married for themselves. Parties should, therefore, be allowed to conduct their marriage in any way they deemed beneficial to them, and no obligation to church, tradition, or broader community should be imposed on them. The Enlightenment privatized marriage, taking it out of the public sphere, and redefined its purpose as individual gratification, not any “broader good” such as reflecting God’s nature, producing character, or raising children.“The Happy Marriage Is the ‘Me’ Marriage”, NYTimes, Tara Parker-Pope

Looking for the ideal soul mate.
Compatibility is the deal maker / breaker.

They look for a marriage partner who will “fulfill their emotional, sexual, and spiritual desires.”

Marriage as self-realization

Both men and women today want a marriage in which they can receive emotional and sexual satisfaction from someone who will simply let them “be themselves.” They want a spouse who is fun, intellectually stimulating, sexually attractive, with many common interests, and who, on top of it all, is supportive of their personal goals and of the way they are living now.

Why did Boaz marry Ruth? To fulfill his moral responsibility!
Did he really know her? Were they compatible?
How in the world would he know. They’d only known each other for 2-3 months. Besides, she was from a different culture.

How on earth are we to choose a mate?

“Destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become “whole” and happy. The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person. We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary problem is . . . learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.”

Hauerwas, “Sex and Politics: Bertrand Russell and ‘Human Sexuality,’” Christian Century, April 19, 1978, 417–422.

Want to get married? Important to ask questions. (Piper)
Some people are the wrong people to marry.

But no two people are compatible without God’s radical change in their lives. Everyone who enters marriage is spiritually broken and self-centered. That is why Paul calls marriage that reflects Christ’s relationship to the church a “profound mystery”.

III. God’s Design
One of the most basic teachings of the Bible is that marriage
was designed by God to be a reflection of the saving love of God for us in Jesus Christ.

Boaz is a kinsman redeemer.

The Kinsman-Redeemer
The qualifications and functions of the kinsman-redeemer are illustrated in the person of Boaz, who is typical of the Lord Jesus Christ. The kinsman-redeemer had to be a blood relative to have the right of redemption, even as Christ was a blood relative of man through the Virgin Birth (John 1:14; Phil. 2:5–8; Heb. 2:14–18). The kinsman-redeemer had to have the resources to purchase the forfeited inheritance, even as Christ had the resource of his own precious blood (1 Pet. 1:18–19). The kinsman-redeemer also had to have the resolve to redeem, even as Christ laid down his life of his own volition (Mark 10:45; John 10:15–18). The book of Ruth is one of the most instructive Old Testament books concerning the redemptive work of Christ.

When you study key passages about marriage like Ruth and Ephesians 5 it becomes obvious that marriage is said to be like salvation. Boaz is a type of Christ.

Listen to these words
Ephesians 5:25–26 (ESV) “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word”

This is exactly what happens in Ruth and Naomi’s lives.

Ruth 4:15 (ESV) “He shall be to you a restorer of life and a nourisher of your old age, for your daughter-in-law who loves you, who is more to you than seven sons, has given birth to him.”

“Marriage provides a profound “shock absorber” that helps you navigate disappointments, illnesses, and other difficulties.”

Ruth too received praise for her unusually selfless love and care for her mother-in-law. The ancient Israelites believed that seven sons constituted the ideal family (cf. 1 Sam.2:5; Job 1:2; 42:13; Acts 19:14-17). Thus saying that Ruth was better to Naomi than seven sons was to say that she provided all that an ideal family could for Naomi.”

The Book of Ruth opens with three funerals and closes with a wedding and a birth!

Little did Ruth and Boaz realize that from their union would come Israel’s greatest kings, including David and Jesus Christ.

Rescewer Heros: How you ever noticed that when someone does something we call “heroic” that these individuals will so often say, “I am not a hero. I was just doing what needed to be done!”

Story!

Where is the needle on the “self-centeredness” barometer in your marriage?

Pray: Did Lord, help me to take my eyes off my needs and my desires and my thoughts and opinions. Help me become the loving redeemer me mean for me to be to my wife / husband.

Annual Prayer Service

Sunday, January 1, 2012
10:25 am	to	11:25 am

Matthew 6:9–15 (NKJV)
“Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be Your name.                             Worship
Your kingdom come. Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.                                                   His kingdom – His work
Give us this day our daily bread.                                                               Then our needs
And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive
those who trespass against us.                                                         Relationships matter
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.                                                               Victory over sin
For Yours is the kingdom and the power
and the glory forever. Amen.

Introduction:
Ruth 2:12 (ESV) “The LORD repay you for what you have done, and a full reward be given you by the LORD, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge!”

Ruth 3:9 (ESV) “He said, “Who are you?” And she answered, “I am Ruth, your servant. Spread your wings over your servant, for you are a redeemer.”

Story: About hiding under the covers

Prayer is a type of “hiding under the covers” with God….etc,

“Prayer is happy company with God.”
Clement of Alexandria (150-215), theologian, philosopher

Truth Behind the Quote: The psalmist refers to God as “God my exceeding joy” (Psalm 43:4). Spending time with God in prayer naturally involves happy company with God.

“The measure of our love for others can largely be determined by the frequency and earnestness of our prayers for them.” ——A.W. Pink (1886-1952), Calvinist evangelist, Bible scholar Bible
Truth Behind the Quote: Jesus loves us, and “he always lives to make intercession” for us (Hebrews 7:25). Likewise, those who are His followers show their love by interceding to God on their behalf (see James 5:16; Colossians 1:9-11).

“Prayer is not wrestling with God’s reluctance to bless us; it is laying hold of his willingness to do so.” —John Blanchard (born 1932), preacher, apologist, author

Bible Truth Behind the Quote: This desire on God’s part to bless us lies behind Paul’s instruction on prayer: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).

1. Your relationship with God begins in prayer
Matthew 11:28 (ESV) “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

Romans 10:13 (ESV) “For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

2. To Whom Should We Pray?
John 15:16 (ESV) “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.”

John 16:24 (ESV) “Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.”

John 14:14 (ESV) “If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it.”

Ephesians 2:18 (ESV) “For through him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father.”

3. Men should lead the way
1 Timothy 2:1–3, 8 (ESV) “First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior…I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands without anger or quarreling”

4. Pray for God’s Will and God’s Work
a. Maintain your relationship with God – Be holy / be humble!
John 15:7 (ESV) “If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.

James 4:3–6 (ESV) “You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

2 Peter 3:11–13 (ESV) “Since all these things are thus to be dissolved, what sort of people ought you to be in lives of holiness and godliness, waiting for and hastening the coming of the day of God, because of which the heavens will be set on fire and dissolved, and the heavenly bodies will melt as they burn! But according to his promise we are waiting for new heavens and a new earth in which righteousness dwells.”

5. Confess your sin and pray for mercy
Hebrews 4:14–16 (ESV) “Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

1 John 1:8–10 (ESV) “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.”

Psalm 139:23–24 (ESV) “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

6. Going
a. Make Disciples
Matthew 28:19–20 (ESV) “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

b. Going – Share Your Faith Story
Acts 1:8 (ESV) “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.”

c. Going – Open your mouth and make it clear
Colossians 4:2–4 (ESV) “Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. At the same time, pray that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison—and pray that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak.”

Ephesians 6:19–20 (ESV) “Pray also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.”

7. Be persistent! – Don’t give up!
Matthew 7:7–11 (ESV) “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.”

8. Don’t be anxious but pray!
Philippians 4:6–7 (ESV) “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Let’s end where we began!

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